In a chronic state of mourning

flower18News of a celebrity mother in Uganda losing her only son to asthma yesterday morning came on the fresh heels of another celebrity losing her grandchild to a road traffic accident involving a boda-boda.  However this was not the end of such tragic and unnecessary loss of lives to be reported out of the country to come about as a result of inability by citizens to address the causes and take on a proactive approach to limit such occurrences from staying as normality.

What strikes me in this tragic end to a life so young is the issue of a child having to be flown from Uganda to the neighbouring country, Kenya, to seek medical attention for a medical condition such as asthma or complications arising from poor management of this chronic ailment.  Unless there were already pre-existing medical conditions and for which this child was under a specialist(s) care in Kenya, I am left wondering what this has to say for the paediatric care of chronic medical conditions within Uganda in general for persons who can ill-afford being flown out of the country.

At what point will persons/citizens that are educated, financially well-off and/or powerful politically; be able to wake up to investing in the domestic healthcare such that they don’t need to fly out their loved ones abroad for treatment?  With the outpouring of cash donations in condolences, perhaps it is time to revise what such donations could be worth spent on with the aim of long term and sustainable benefit for many.

The issue of poor delivery of healthcare has been lamented on for years albeit some individuals have privately tried to address this and recently more so the funds coming in from WHO will address aspects of this.  The challenge remains three-fold; from the mentality of those that end up requiring the services, those that are employed or tasked to deliver, coupled with insincerity of government political will to regulate this sector transparently at both local and national levels.

We have hospitals (Uganda) built from our colonial past that are not fit for purpose, in deplorable conditions both for those carrying out care management and for those being admitted to receive care. It is true there are building new health centres but the problem of salaries and missing medication that should be given at nominal costs keeps rearing its ugly head…however this is development that keeps my spirits up.

It is definitely to be commended that there are young persons like Esther and Sheila on ground in Kampala who are taking to being proactive in doing what they can to bring about positive change.    Perhaps these actions can be emulated elsewhere in the country by other communities.

Even in developed countries, communities/individuals/private organisations carry out fundraising activities to support local and foreign charities.  Donations do not necessary have to be in monetary terms – volunteers can offer their skills and times to clean up or assist target areas where needed.

The issue of the road traffic accidents and the ensuing loss of lives or injuries sustained is one I’ve had to hand over to the gods!  For they alone can take pity and remove whatever is clogging the minds of every person who assumes they have right of way and urgency to reach their destination by any means necessary whenever they get inside a vehicle or any kind, and hit speeds only rockets vie for.

This complacency in accepting poor practice and relinquishing responsibility over our own contribution to what sustains such unacceptable practice needs to stop…like yesterday.

The struggle of fundraising in black or African communities

Two weeks back I came across a lady who posted in a UK-based black on-line social community on Facebook seeking to have sponsorship and or support from fellow black persons, in her drive towards the Sickle Cell Society-UK.sicklecell

Now this online social network group on Facebook which I recently joined, currently has about ~16,000 members who I do believe are actively involved in receiving notifications of all that is posted. It is a group after all that you request to join and not at all just open for the global public.  So I am assuming that all members have at some point before being added have wanted to be added with the overall aim of furthering development, support, education etc,  among the black community here in the UK.

The current numbers within this group total ~ 16,000.  You would have thought or hoped that given a cause such as Sickle cell sponsorship or support  would have provoked this amount of membership to respond to.

sickle-cell

Sickle cell anaemia/disease or trait is after-all synonymous within us all the black people irrespective of where you happen to be born on planet earth.  When you do the calculations from the the 16k membership, and with the minimum contribution of each member of £5, based on everyone donating the minimum of £5 you would have had over £81,300 towards this sickle cell charity which this lady would have worked positively for this lady ; and that’s at the bottom end of the scale.  It is embarrassing  that out of the membership numbers, only a couple of persons (~3) responded to the call.

It certainly could be the case that such social networks groups have differing objectives hence why such call outs for practical call out for such redress are not positively responded to.

The reason why I was one of the persons that responded to this call out for support is partly down to past experience. About three years back Ida Horner, a friend of mine in Surrey had set up a social enterprise charity through a belief that persons needed to be assisted with help to enable themselves to help themselves reach their potential as opposed to the usual route of charity. I’d believed in Ida’s ideology and still do, but soon found that the challenge was to get the Ugandan diaspora community to get on board.  Various fundraising ventures were put in place, advertised etc, but still when it came to the realisation of these ventures to raise the much needed funds, we fell short of expectation. The community we were calling upon to give support or involve, just didn’t appear interested.  The realisation came to be that the persons who heeded our call to support were completely out of the social or  community of target.  This has been a recurring pattern on so many occasions that in the end we ceased to even bother or try to reach out within the target community for support.  The conflicting irony is that the black community upon seeing that the supporting persons are from the non-black community, react negatively and with suspicion.

Check the situation with Jazz music and performers or unique ethnic artists and you might begin to see…the audience that supports such artists is predominantly not from the black communities.  Believe me, I have attended the some the shows in the South Bank during seasons when African artists are given a platform.

I work within both the NHS and academic or research sectors of UK’s institutions and have observed what the impact of Sickle cell anemia-1 copy_detailSickle cell anaemia or disease has had on the black community in relation to treatment, management, research and funding. In addition, I have also observed cousins back in Uganda that have been fatally affected by sickle cell disease.  Thus the call this lady made was of interest to me on two great and important fronts.

I fully understood the daunting or challenging task she faced having experienced similar in past fundraising ventures.

In all this observation, I am left with  questions:-

Why is it so difficult or challenging within the black community/communities to enable, or encourage us black people to support persons who put themselves forward to raise funds that will give redress to finding solutions or management of ailments?

What can be  done to get the black community to participate in a proactive manner towards resolution of  issues that directly affect us all without coming across as politically motivated?

 

 

The alternative voluntary job

parenting1Having recently discovered Viber I got chatting to a friend from Uganda who put me to task about my blog page that appears to have gone rather silent. It wasn’t for lack of topics to blog about, the real reason was down to my restlessness and poor practice in using my time.

To kick-start off my blog I’ve been asked to give my take on parenting. First of all, this is one definition on what parenting is about…

Good parenting happens when a person creates for a child a stable, nurturing home environment, is a positive role model, and plays a positive and active part in a child’s life. Good parents provide moral and spiritual guidance, set limits, and provide consequences for a child’s behaviour. Good parents accept responsibility for the total development of the child and guide the child in making sound, healthy, life decisions through open communication and mutual respect. – US systems policy, 2002

Most people think that a good parent is someone who has “good” kids. The truth is, however, that good parents can have any kind of kids and for the worst part not at all reflecting their goodness, but rather the genetic character of the child. What parents can claim credit or blame for, however, is their own behaviour.392683_10150447486643558_228102923557_8866395_670180841_n

Parents can do a good or poor job of parenting: socializing and educating their kids and providing a healthy model for them to emulate but whether or not the character of their child/children opts to emulate is an entirely different matter. In my native language of Luganda there is a saying which loosely translates, “we [mothers] give birth to the body but not personality”…tuzaala mubiri so si mwoyo.

Whilst definitions of parenting get isolated in to “good/bad/poor”, I am not keen on the use of ‘good parenting’; instead I opt to say positive parenting practice. Reason being: seeking to add what is positive or focusing on the positives in all situations adds motivation both to the one practicing the parenting and the one being parented.

Parenting style and family factors

The approach to parenting differs dependent on personality, character and existing family factors. It can also be compounded by cultural and/or religious beliefs and practices.

Whilst I have been accorded some beautiful compliments over how well my daughters are maturing in to young ladies, I do not accept the credit is all down to my parenting alone as a single mother/parent over the years. This was before I met my current partner of the last five years and hopefully one to spend my old age with. My partner has actually accentuated my parenting role.

A whole system of support way back from birth not least their genetic makeup has played and still is playing a part in how these young people are maturing in to as adults. Verna Springer, a friend, mentor, sister from another ‘mother’, midwife being  one of many!

Overall and in effect I owe my parenting skills to my late aunt who nurtured me to become the person I grew in to. Authoritarian and stern, but effective.

My older brother ‘Uncle Beno’ has been a pillar of support since I can remember, taking on the role of a male figure during the girl’s formative years and still does to this day. This is not to say the girls’ father was absent physically from their lives.  He was…at least until they were teens. Enabling the girls to grow up balanced was more important than indulging my revenge for the adult issues that existed between me and their father.

Mind you, divorce or separation where children are involved does have an impact on all concerned and this is where parenting skills can truly be challenged. This and the teenage years are the critical periods of parenting  where I’ve been advocating for parental support from the social system here in the UK.

When parents separate or divorce, it is imperative to support the children to not take the burden of the issues the adults have between them.  When the affected parent(s) are hurting it is sometimes very difficult for the characters/personalities involved to put the interests of the children foremost.  Hence why it is imperative for social systems to give this area redress and support.

Comparisons

Nostalgia allowing and if I am to compare the brief childhood time spent in Uganda, parenting was a practical and community affair entailing physical care and practical education. The business of psychological or emotional care was predominantly the preserve of grand parents – assuming the grandparents had welcomed your mother! If not, well you just forewent the luxury of wallowing in a grandparent’s dotting and instead faced up to reality early.

Everyone older than you was a parent and could even discipline you as they saw fit. A child belonged to the whole clan in which shared responsibility was expected. Note: I said nostalgia. I cannot vouch for what is taking place now.

These ends (UK) when you become a parent and find yourself to not have a supporting network of friends or extended family members, then I’m afraid you need to imagine yourself as someone that has just taken on flying a plane for the first time. I remember having to take my eldest daughter with me shopping for groceries 72hrs after she’d made entrance in to the world. It certainly wasn’t for wanting to show her off – I simply didn’t have anyone to leave her home with and Tesco hadn’t started doing home deliveries then! That’s another thing that comes to mind…it is rare to find new-born babies with their mothers shopping or in public places in Uganda. Give it time though…

Whilst reading up on parenting books may help, and hopefully if you’ve had exposure or even practice looking after other people’s children, the reality of you being in the driving seat can be overwhelming. And that’s only in the early part of parenting when the little bundle of joy has not yet learnt to assert his/her rights other than exercising the vocal chords and lungs.
It’s the teenage years that can make or break you as a parent when you alternate between losing the will to leave and wondering if somehow in your labour pangs you picked up the wrong child. Accepting I was the most hateful person and yelled at for refusing to agree to what was deemed to be cool became part and parcel of my teenage parenting drill. Remember I had this on rotation of 3 girls.

Teenage yearsP3

Teenage parenting is the period when you have to reach deep to use all your skills, both mental and physical as a parent to keep the communication open while remembering to remain mutually respective to your child. It is important to get in there first before external influence does it for you in exploiting their naivety. I remember my telepathy skills went up a notch monitoring what was spoken or not spoken, taking interest in friends made or dropped, then the sleepless nights when the rebellion phase hits. Repeating the mantra of focusing on their beautiful positive characters did save the day and my sanity.

P4In the process I also learnt that reacting to inappropriate behaviour made it worse resulting in the behaviour becoming an attention seeking method. Instead I would pay attention to appropriate behaviour by rewarding or praising it. I find as humans even in my working environment, praise or show of sincere appreciation wins big time in motivating people. As does genuine respect. of an individual’s input no matter how small in age or status/social standing  – well all need to feel appreciated and respected.  If I was practicing empathy, customer care skills, management etc at my workplace, why not put it to use on the most precious investment in my domestic setting?

Of course this is not to say or believe all at home was like Little House on the Prairie! In between I’d experience moments of wanting to send them to Uganda to be straightened out or until their hormones calmed down. I am aware some parents in the diaspora have taken this option, however this was not for me.  I’d remember that my role in their lives did not just extend to just the pleasurable aspects of their existence but in all stages of their growing up to hopefully become responsible persons.   Using that option would simply be passing on my inability to learn how to deal with the effects of their changes and instead giving that stage of their development to someone else. I guess  I like doing things the hard way!

Sending them off to boarding school like had been part of my earlier childhood was not an option and besides, boarding school fees here in UK unless your earnings are well over £40K, is not an option. I missed out on that boat soon as I had the 3rd child and was looking at a single parent income.

Conclusion

It is my belief that family therapy is vital in as much as parenting support to all of us parents especially when we lack any kind of extended family or community support. It gets parents to re-evaluate how they interact with each other as a family and seek solutions on how best to communicate taking in to account each other’s personalities and characters.  No one method fits all – parenting skills are an acquired skill on the job moulded to fit in accordance to the personalities, quirks or individual characters that make up a family unit. Open communication remains the key in all and sometimes this key can only become visible when family therapy or support is in place.

The experience has shown me the value of having taken a career break in the first 5yrs of my daughters lives. It put me in a better position to study and learn their characters and how best to communicate with them as individuals – something I wouldn’t have been able to perhaps do fully if I’d placed them with another person. It also made me realise why grandparents always seemed to know more about the characters of their grandchildren than the parents. However, this has been my experience and my journey.  It shouldn’t translate to be a template for everyone. but rather as a reference point on some issues that might come up during parenting.

I wish every parent the best and for them to enjoy the experience. I have.

Transit is no-man’s land without a passport

Our driver to Entebbe airport was right on time and as it was an early morning flight, the journey was pretty much straight forward as there was hardly any traffic which Kampala roads are famous for, apart from the mad road etiquette. Hoping that my bouts of fever and visits to the toilet were not going to give cause for concern necessitating a delay to our departure, I took another swig of the herbal medicine hoping I’d finish the whole bottle before boarding given all the excitement that surrounded carrying liquids on board..made a mental note to check on it as the cap didn’t close properly, which meant I’d have a mess in my bag…

Checking that my stash of medicine in my clutch bag was still intact after the heavy dosing I was taking, I relaxed in the knowledge that my partner was on hand to take care of all that what was needed. :) These are some of the perks to having a caring partner or traveling with someone that cared… The medication was a herbal mixture my nephew had obtained for me in a small bottle – it must have been good – I couldn’t feel much and soon most of the symptoms I’d had prior to taking it disappeared, replaced by sleep which was so seductive.

Part of the check-in process was somewhat of a blur but somehow, made it through to the boarding area.  Looking forward to spending the remaining cash in duty free at Istanbul in transit, I checked my clutch bag which held my passport and wallet before blissfully falling asleep for the 6hr flight. Whatever was in that herbal mix I was just grateful that it did the job of keeping me “together” as opposed to becoming quite familiar with the toilet or the paper bag.  Made a note to ask partner why it was that luggage tickets always got placed on my passport but sleep must have won…

Given the great discomfort in the outbound journey with Turkish airlines from London coming to Entebbe, I cannot claim to have felt anything on this first leg of the return journey to London other than welcomed sleep that hadn’t been effected from overdosing on in-flight alcohol.  Mind you, it was still a case of little leg room and putting up with families that had to carry babies on their laps…Glad that I was ‘out of it’ for the greater part as the hostesses were not all that happy either. There was this old man who had two girls lapping up everything he did and another one who opted to move seats to where I was to apparently give the couple with the little baby some room to spread out…Yeap. The herbal mix was definitely worth it.  The announcement that we get ready to land was a welcomed reminder.  I needed the bathroom to sort out my frazzled appearance after sleeping through.

Istanbul airport is an intriguing airport…reminds me somewhat in part of Portobello market.  However this romantic vision soon came to a halt when while standing in line to have my documents checked I find I don’t have my passport on me.  That’s when the any drug-induced haze evaporated…because that was the unraveling of a traumatic twelve hours of my life spent at Instanbul in transit before boarding a plane back to Entebbe. It was the time when I learnt that simply being a British citizien held no water for the British consulate in Turkey who were unprepared to come to the transit area. It was the realisation that I had become a person of no nation/land that awoke my senses.  This was no movie! This was a living nightmare and I was an unwilling participant.

It was then that I appreciated my motherland Uganda, that irrespective that I had become adopted by Britain, Uganda would still welcome me back and assist me in sorting all that was needed to carry on my return journey to London. That the immigration officers at Entebbe airport were more humane to the traumatic experience as opposed to the Turkish airlines officials who had left us to make the necessary and expensive communication to the British Consulate officials etc.  It was also the realisation that being honest in accounting of events did not get you any where but instead complicated matters, hence the brown envelopes which thrive so well.

Not being antisocial, they just have differing priorities

Been meaning to write about this for some time now.  I have literally had to put sleep on hold so that I could do this right now as opposed to putting it off yet again.  In case I make any typos, the excuse is already given.  I’m writing this under the influence of sleep.

I am wondering how many persons out there have had to deal with being referred to as being antisocial, sometimes even resulting in to them losing out on being considered for a promotion or even a post deserving of their skills and abilities in relation to their job. This can only be comparable to situations where persons, usually women, complained about being passed over for jobs or promotions simply because those in charge of consideration of such promotions or allocation, often belong to gentlemen’s clubs such as  golf, where females (unless they are of  service or the entertainment variety) do not partake.

A recent observation brought this practice to mind.  Most work places hold what they term – social gatherings, mostly on Fridays when salaries have been paid.  This entails employees along with senior persons or employers congregating at some chosen venue – usually a drinking hole/pub.  It is meant to be a social gathering encouraging work persons to socialise.  I have absolutely no qualms about such and if I were to bring up my file from younger years, I’d probably rate as one of those pioneers to such gatherings.  Mind you, in my younger working years, any social gathering was welcomed with open arms.

Thing is, some persons priorities to such gatherings with work colleagues can differ.  There are persons to who their work or job defines all that they are about such that everything they breathe and live is interwoven with their job/work.  This is admirable – especially if it gives the person practicing it, joy.  It does not however translate that everyone feels the same. For most persons, they work at a job simply to pay the bills or keep the bailiffs at bay!

On a serious note however, it does cross boundaries of disrespect when persons who define their lives in accordance to their job or work; expect everyone else in their employ or working environment to mirror their passion or zeal.  Writing off fellow colleagues or workers as being anti-social simply because they will not hang out with you at a social event and to later use this as reason for not hiring or promoting them to reflect their skills, I think is just plain petty and stupid.  Their inability to join you in to these social situations may just be down to their personal priorities outside of work requirements.

Just as you don’t have time to take in to account their personal situation, you don’t have a right to dictating how they should spend the time when not contracted to be working with you or for you.  Perhaps if these social events were clearly defined as being work related and paid for accordingly, then clarity from the onset should be done and observed.

Work colleagues or employees have differing domestic and cultural settings.  These factor in how they priorities their time, when out of working hours.  So keep in mind, just because a fellow colleague cannot join in with everyone every other Friday of the month down at the pub, it does not translate that they are antisocial. They simply have differing priorities for their time in relation to yours.

Not forgetting about you

“I learned… that inspiration does not come like a bolt, nor is it kinetic, energetic, striving, but it comes to us slowly and quietly and all the time, though we must regularly and every day give it a little chance to start flowing, prime it with a little solitude and idleness.”
— Brenda Ueland

Stress, fear, negativity, too much to do and doing things for others at the expense of our own needs — these all stifle our innate creativity. Relaxation, fun, meditation, and going after our dreams all get the creative juices flowing.

The above description fits most persons these days, especially those within the diaspora community I have crossed paths with that have yet to learn to take good care of themselves both physically and mentally.  That’s all they have truly.

On the whole most Africans in the diaspora in stressful situations strive to ensure that they save all they can, working sometimes 24/7 in all conditions, most, hostile simply because of the colour of their skin; just so they can amass set amounts to pay off debts back in their home countries, put kids to school, put in to business or build houses in the hope of having homes for when they return.  Dreams which turn out to be nothing more than pure hell on earth psychologically.

Without repeating the echoes of so many African diaspora before that have lamented on this, the very persons within their families they entrust such funds to are often the ones that betrayal them and will deny it if and when confronted to the point of even murder.  The relatives will blame each other or the government or just about anyone else, but themselves. It is pure and simple. You are forgotten to exist as a real person but are seen as a source of supply, much like the water from streams which not many bother to stop and question it’s source.  You just are. When you raise this issue you will most often be told candidly that you should have been wiser.

So I say to fellow persons: be kind to yourself, do not forget about you. Do not loose yourself in sacrificing all of you to appease or please everyone. This is an infinite task. Others will all be just fine with or without you when all is said and done. It is the way it always has been since time immemorial.

Question is: Can you be comfortable with yourself? Be creative – you will be pleasantly surprised.

 

SEEK UNION OVER SEPARATION

Warrior woman creedA new working week has kicked off.  All is not well with the world but that is okay too.  It gives me all the more reason to strive to strike a balance in all that is to unfold.

The week gone took away some loved ones who at some point of my life’s journey, our paths had crossed albeit briefly.  I feel for my loved ones who remain grieving at the absence this loss is to bring. But hope remains so long as there’s life.  May the universe be kind to those left behind and are still grieving.

“As a holistic being you shatter the illusion of your separateness and reveal your connection to everything. This empowers you in a way that the ego-driven self could never contemplate.”  — Wayne Dye

Our ego focuses on how we are different from the rest of the world. Our soul lives when we experience how we are the same.

Any time you separate yourself from other people or from situations, you know your personality is in control. At such times, shift your perspective to build connection and you will move into soul.

As our picture of life becomes larger, more things make sense and we have a greater playing field for life to unfold – naturally.

“Beliefs separate. Loving thoughts unite.”  — Paul Ferrini

When all is said and done, as humans, we all seek similar things and a little kindness is preferable.  I wish you all, strength and appreciation of all that is within and around.  May the this starting work week enable us all to sustain what we have or are striving for.